These carbon shells, these fragile dusty frames, host canvases of souls. We are bruised and broken masterpeices, but we did not paint ourselves.
(Economy of Mercy - Switchfoot)
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
faces i don't want to see...
voices i don't want to hear...
places i don't want to go to...
feelings i don't want to feel...
memories i don't want to keep...
a life i don't want to live...
so many things i don't want...
i don't know what i do anymore...
at what point does life become one big obligation rather than a journey?
I think we have an emergency I think we have an emergency
If you thought I'd leave, then you were wrong Cause I won't stop holding on
So are you listening? So are you watching me?
If you thought I'd leave, then you were wrong Cause I won't stop holding on.
This is an emergency So are you listening?
And I can't pretend that I don't see this
it's really not your fault When no one cares to talk about it [To talk about it]
Cause I've seen love die Way too many times When it deserved to be alive (deserved to be alive) I've seen you cry Way too many times When you deserved to be alive (alive)
So you give up every chance you get Just to feel new again
I think we have an emergency I think we have an emergency
And you do your best to show me love, but you don't know what love is.
So are you listening? So are you watching me?
Well I can't pretend that I don't see this
But it's really not your fault When no one cares to talk about it [to talk about it?]
Cause I've seen love die Way too many times When it deserved to be alive (deserved to be alive) I've seen you cry Way too many times When you deserved to be alive (alive)
Scars, they will not fade away.
No one cares to talk about it, can we talk about it?
Cause I've seen love die Way too many times When it deserved to be alive (deserved to be alive) I've seen you cry Way too many times When you deserved to be alive (alive)
No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore. It's your turn, so take a seat we're settling the final score. And why do we like to hurt, so much?
I can't decide You have made it harder just to go on And why, all the possibilities where I was wrong
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa. That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa. I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating. And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here. 'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here. I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn. Oh why, all the possibilities I'm sure you've heard.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa. That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa. I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating. (beating) And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
Pain make your way to me, to me. And I'll always be just so inviting. If I ever start to think straight, This heart will start a riot in me, Let's start, start, hey!
Why do we like to hurt so much? Oh why do we like to hurt so much?
That's what you get when you let your heart win! Whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa. That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
Now I can't trust myself with anything but this, And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
honestly, my heart has gotten me into a lot of s**t of late... makes me question this whole thing about following your heart... i've seemed to have followed it to brokenness...
there are some people you meet whom are just so uptight about everything. everything is something to complain about. where being okay with life is so far from possible.
why? why can't they just be happy. they've got so so much to be thankful for. they've got friends around them. family. a place to go home to. they've got everything they need to survive and MORE. so why can't they be content?
so many times do they sit next to a friend and start complaining about how life sucks so bad. complaining that people don't listen. that no one cares. no one understands. yet, totally forgetting the friend staring them in the face. they don't see the hand on their shoulder. the concerned eyes gazing at them. they don't hear the sincerity in the 'how are yous' or 'are you oks'. all they see is the shadows.
i think i met one of those people when i looked in the mirror this morning...
i'm so tired of complaining. so tired of telling sob stories. so tired of being asked questions i have no answers to. i'm just so so tired. and it's obvious! i've aged. physically. more than twice have i had different people telling me i look a lot older now.
i'm so tired of being tired...
-dan-
"sometimes i call my mind my prison... my little thoughts they are my chains..." ~lyric from I Decide by Mia Palencia~
Mosaic Music Fest is back again at the Esplanade. I have somehow managed to carve out SOME time to head down to catch some of the acts this year.
I came across this artiste from the Philippines called Julianne. I should say that she is possibly the best female guitarist I've seen yet. Hahaha. Was totally blown away by her playing.
Anyway, that's not what I wanted to blog about. Loving her music that much, I decided to go buy her CD. And I just love this song of hers.
I guess it's just a message that I'm needing to hear at the moment. In my process of finding myself, as I look at the things I've been dealing with, I struggle to push aside the junk that has cluttered my vision. The my experiences over time, hard as they may be, I'd have to admit was s**t I just HAD to go through to learn things I would never learn otherwise.
As in dcTalk's lyric, "Some people gotta learn the hard way. I guess I'm the kinda guy who has to find out for myself."
How I wish I didn't have to...
I was also able to get Julianne to autograph the album for me in which she signed off with, "Daniel, choose to be grateful always." How appropriate.
My journey has not ended yet. I still have many things to process. Painful painful things. But my life is in His hands, and He knows what lessons I need to learn, and HOW I need to learn them. And for the chapters I've passed so far, I look back and am grateful.
I might not be every day. But He understands... And for that I'm grateful the most...
And I’m grateful... You showed me the way back to my beautiful... Grateful by Julianne
We all know that dreams could just be windows to the future. It happened in the Bible where people interpreted dreams to reveal future events.
Have you ever found yourself in any sort of position where you just get this shot of deja vu. As if you've dreamt about that particular moment in time once before? I get that quite a lot really.
Someone once told me that the dreams you remember are usually the ones that don't come true...
I had a really good dream last last night. I dreamt of something I've been wanting for so long. Something I got in the dream. It was great. Like a happy scene from a romantic movie. I was happy.... So so happy...
Then I woke up...
I wish i didn't remember this dream. I wish it'd come true. I wish...
Mitch : You know that feelin, when your... Dan : Heart... Mitch : Yeah. When your heart is just... Dan : Pounding... Mith : Pounding! And... Dan : Like it's actually outside your ribs. Mitch : Yes! Dan : Exposed, vulnerable Mitch : Yeah. It's Dan : Wonderful and awful and heartsick and alive all at the same time? Mitch : Yes! Yes! Yeah, what do you... what do we call that? Dan : Uh, love...
~Lines from Dan In Real Life~
Sigh.
Have you had the feeling that someone wrote a movie about you. I have. So many many times. Doesn't help that more than once, my character is also named Daniel, or Dan, or Danny. How big of a hint can you get.
Dan In Real Life... I bought the DVD ages ago but hadn't had the chance to watch it till now. It had been passed around for a bit, and then was lost, subsequently found but put on hold in light of my sheer lack of time. Finally, i've watched it.
So so so so so many lines just clicked. They're the kind of lines that just speak what your heart wants to say so much but you can't.
Love. I've felt it. As recent as a couple of months ago. The wholeness of it. The joy, ecstacy, euphoria, bliss, mystery, uncertainty, pain, lack or loss of... I've had a whole experience.
Dan in real life... Still waiting for my happy ending...
to leave the past behind... to lay your dreams to rest... to cast your wishes to the wind... to let go of what you long for... to shut the door on opportunity... to burst the bubble of hope... to die to self... to die to self... to die to self...
i don't want to die...
-dan-
what's love got to do with it? what's love but a second-hand emotion... what's love got to do with it? who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?
Freedom... A choice... It takes determination to say, "I WILL BE FREE..." It takes faith so be okay with life when life isn't very OKAY at all... Just read somewhere online something that said, "You never know how strong you are until bring strong is the only choice you have..." How true... How true...
I will say today that I am OK... I have to break free from these chains that hold me back. Chains of emotion, connection, obligation, hessitation... I want to break free...
I need to be alive again... I've been dead too long...
I'm not tall.. I'm not handsome... But i'm dark... Gotta settle for 1/3 of 'tall, dark & handsome' i guess... Hates being cooped up indoors... I'm always out and about... Hahaha...
